How Perspective Shapes Emotions and Relationships
Two people can experience exactly the same situation and have completely different responses.
Imagine a supervisor says:
"Can I have a quick word with you?"
One person thinks:
"No worries. I wonder what they need."
Another thinks:
"What have I done now?"
Same words.
Same supervisor.
Same workplace.
Completely different experience.
Why?
Because we don't just respond to what happens.
We respond to what we think what happened means.
That's an important distinction.
Something happens.
Then our brain interprets it.
Then we respond to our interpretation.
For example:
Your partner comes home and is quiet and withdrawn.
You might think:
"They're angry with me."
You may feel anxious or defensive.
You may become quiet yourself.
They notice you're now being distant.
They may think you're angry.
Now they're distant too.
And suddenly you've got two people sitting in the same room, both reacting to a story that neither person has actually checked; it’s all made up by our brains!
This happens at work as well.
A manager gives feedback.
You may hear criticism.
A colleague asks you to redo something.
You may hear disrespect.
Someone doesn't include you in a conversation.
You may hear rejection.
Sometimes those interpretations are right.
Sometimes they're completely wrong.
The point here isn't to assume everything is fine.
The point is to recognise that there is often a gap between what happened and what we think it means.
That gap is where we can slow things down.
Ask:
What happened?
Then:
What did I make it mean?
And finally:
Do I know that my interpretation is correct? (Where is the actual evidence, and could an alternative be more accurate)
That gives you a choice.
You can still decide that something isn't okay.
You can still have the difficult conversation.
You can still set the boundary.
But you're doing it based on what you actually know rather than what your brain has filled in. Your brain fills in gaps to speed things up!
We can't control everything that happens around us.
But we can become better at noticing the story we attach to it.
Sometimes changing the story doesn't change the situation.
But sometimes it changes everything about how we deal with it.
Your brain will naturally make sense of a situation as quickly as possible; sometimes it is just garbage, sometimes it's accurate. Our job is to create the space, to discern the difference.
The opportunity here is to practice this skill. Practice it after a situation that you have just had. Assess the evidence; challenge the accuracy. Do you feel differently when you do that? If so, congratulations, you are starting to lay down a new neural pathway, which means the more times you go down the new road, the quicker your brain will go there next time. Sometimes you can get there close to the moment it occurs; sometimes in the moment. With practice, like all things, we get better at a new skill.
If this resonates, creates curiosity, share it with others. If you want some support to build this skill, feel free to reach out, and we can connect to help this skill develop.
